Heather Grubb

Day 19: I Think I can; I Know I Can

👟61 kms out of 90.  $325 raised out of $1,000. 16 days left out of 30. 👟

It’s happening ~ I’m doing the thing ~ I’m making the changes for myself and hopefully helping others as I go. It’s a good thing! 

As I reflect on my weekend, I realize how productive it was. I slept in, I relaxed, but I also found myself planning the days around my walking. Asking myself where I could fit in the 3km amongst the other things I wanted to do. Searching my destinations on Google Maps to check the distance, clocking the time to make sure I could do it all…and I did! 

On Saturday I walked into town to run my errands, on Sunday I split the distance between two parts and places in my day, and even got an extra 2km in. I felt clearer, unweighted by the guilt that follows the paralyzed overwhelm which usually controls my days off, where there’s so much to do but I don’t knew where to start so end up doom-scrolling for hours instead….

Walking has given me a purpose ~ a reason for getting off the couch, while still feeling relaxed ~ a way to give back to myself, while simultaneously jumpstarting my day. I’m feeling a bit selfish about it too. My friends offer to join me, but I like the time to myself. The time to let my mind wander and uncover my reflection of the moment, the hour, the week. Every walk is different. Sometimes brisk, sometimes slower yet still focused, and sometimes even a little lonely because I do want a friend with me. I walk the same route each day, but the internal destination varies. What I need from it changes. What I get out of it is never the same. What looks on the surface to be a boring daily routine, is actually anything but. Because I don’t know who I’m going to be when I step outside at 5am tomorrow morning, or who I’ll be at 5:45 when I get back home…

What I can say is that what I thought was going to just be a 30-day challenge, is quickly becoming something that I know will continue long past that. My body needs it, my mind needs it, I need it. So I’ll keep walking through September and beyond, and maybe even continue sharing my thoughts and observations…thinking about what I’m going to write has been part of the fun.  Letting the thoughts out makes space for new ones, reflections flowing with my steps and breath…

To those of you who have followed alongside me, thank you for supporting my latest impulse and keeping me accountable to myself! Thank you for allowing my words to resonate ~ hearing that I’ve inspired someone makes my heart swell 💗(honestly, you have no idea!) 🥹. Thank you for sharing my posts, for your donations, and for doing what you can to spread awareness. It’s true what they say about the power of a village. To those I pass it might look like I’m walking alone, but there’s a whole gang of incredible friends strolling right alongside me, their footsteps silent but mighty, helping to carry me wherever I need to go. 🙏🏻🥹❤️

DAY 15

Skeletons in the Closet

A 7:30am meeting pushed my morning walk to this evening. Although I knew I’d still get out today, I was a little sad to not start my day with one. A few weeks ago I thought early risers were crazy ~ now I’m becoming one.  Not only do I feel my circadian rhythm shifting, I’m noticing other changes as well. My sense of smell seems more sensitive, my mind is a little sharper, and the noises that I used to drown out are switching places with the only ones I wanted to listen to. 

Any of my friends will tell you that I never go anywhere without my music. If I’m driving, the stereo is blasting, if I’m walking, the buds are securely in my ears connected to whatever playlist fits the current mood, and I’m strutting along giving my best Tony Manero impression, while being completely checked out of the world around me. Everything inside flows with the music ~ the tune directs how I’m feeling, the lyrics drive my thoughts. It’s where I go to figure things out. The outside noises are simply too loud without it and overwhelm my senses. Music is the escape and the mode of transportation determines how quickly that escape happens. 

That’s changed since I started my walking challenge. I still love my music ~ the world would be such a dull and dreary place without it ~ but now I’m more selective with it. My morning walks started with instrumentals. Anything else was too jarring so early in the day. Instrumental sounds allowed my brain the chance to wake up slowly,  guiding it to move with my body rather than jumping straight into thinking & feeling mode. I found it calming and felt less rushed beginning my day. So I started doing the same on my way to work. The chords of a Peaceful Guitar playlist sooth my nervous system as I enter rush hour traffic. Instead of absorbing all the feels of a certain songwriter’s life experience and steeling myself for the daily grind, the 30 minute drive has become a soft, steady time to mindfully prepare for my day rather than an emotionally charged one where I’m mentally exhausted before I even start. 

As I stepped out this evening I didn’t want anything playing in my ears. I didn’t want lyrics or chords or anything persuading me how to feel. I didn’t want anything unnecessarily taking up space. I just wanted to be. For as long as I can remember that’s been a pretty uncomfortable place for me. The being. I’ve always looked for the escape into someone else’s world. Today was the first time I truly enjoyed being in mine. Sitting in myself. Letting whatever wanted to surface float until it sank again. Watching the observations come and go with my footsteps, ebb and flow with the sea. Today I felt fully present. 

The thoughts were all over the place as I tracked my KMs

250m - “the rush of wind in my ears is nice. Like it’s wiping my brain-slate clean”

600m - “3 cruise ships in tonight. Water is choppy. Lots of people out. Everyone is grasping to the last dregs of summer before the colder weather comes.”

650m - “that lady is wearing shorts and a puffy winter jacket…only in Victoria and yep, we’re all definitely begging summer to stay…”

1km - “11 min 34 seconds. Beating my morning average by 1 min. NICE! 👏🏻 

Shit, my shoelace is untied…”

1.5km - “this is a new route, did I judge the distance right? Am I gonna be over or under 3km??”

2km - “Nope, I’m good ~ it’ll be over 3…maybe 4! Ooo split pace is down to 11 min Nice work!” 🏆 

2.2km - “But if I walk too fast I won’t close my fitness ring. I hate when I don’t close all my rings…”

2.5km - “Closing the rings isn’t what’s important. There’s a much bigger picture to what you’re doing here than an Apple fitness goal. Stop being so competitive and appreciate what you’re doing for yourself!…💗”

2.53km - “…Oh don’t forget to stop at the store for yogurt on the way back”

2.54km - “I remembered to buy yogurt without setting an alert - YAY!! 🎉 My brain feels so much sharper the last few weeks…is the walking doing that? It must be…DOUBLE YAY!!🎉 “

2.7km - “That girl is out walking for herself too. Go my sista! (Makes direct eye contact and smiles -  she smiles back 😊)”

3km - “Hit my daily challenge goal and still going! Can’t wait to write about it! ✍️ 📔 “

3.6km - “Nearly home…so hungry. Need dinner…That skeleton isn’t wearing any costumes today. Wonder what the next one will be? Whoever owns this place are hilarious!💀😆 “

And the list goes on…

The thoughts were everywhere, but they were clear, unjumbled, free. Not scary, nothing that needed to be escaped. Allowed to be whatever they needed to be. They were me….and as it turns out, I’m not so bad! 😅

DAY 13

Embracing The Nothing

DAY 10 (cuz I cheated and started a few days early)

Lessons of a Skin Horse

DAY # Lost track

Picking up to slow down

My mind is racing this morning. How can your thoughts move so quickly when you’re so tired??

I started this walking journey with great expectations of eloquently blogging every day about how much I’m learning from the experience. Sharing my wisdom with the masses. Connecting with my inner Carrie Bradshaw, posting daily snippets of my Views & Wisdom from James Bay. 

Instead I’m literally rolling out of bed, throwing on wrinkled, completely uncoordinated comfies from the floor pile they were thrown on the night before, and walking out the door with my eyes half shut into the pre-sunrise darkness. My body is scrambling to keep up with this 30-day challenge I committed it to, and my mind is hot on its heels. 

It’s just walking, what’s the big deal? 40 minutes each morning. An easy way to get the body moving. Quiet time to recenter and reconnect with myself. An unassuming way to help me lose weight. A way to do something to help a community that needs support. A catalyst to share my thoughts because maybe someone will read them and feel heard. A number on a goal tracker for my competitive (anxious) nature to meet. A dollar value to raise. and, And, AND….

True to form, I’ve allowed a simple, healthy goal turn into something much bigger than it needs to be. Added pressure to the thing that’s meant to relieve it. Turned something light and fun into a thing to conquer…No wonder my brain keeps churning! 

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the thoughts of my day…

Usually I’d be annoyed with myself, for not “getting it right” and being all zen from the get go.  But I’m human, I have emotions and basement stuff that impact me. Rather than beating myself up about it, I honour it. I appreciate the reflections each step churns up. This is all part of the journey ~ and adventures are supposed to get a little messy at times. That’s what makes them exciting! 

So instead of getting down on myself, I’m choosing to be grateful for the strength it takes to commit to myself each day, and for the courage it takes to face whatever comes up. 

I wonder where tomorrow’s steps will lead me? Perhaps my therapist’s office would be a good destination 😂👟💗

DAY 3: 10km down!

Letting the Laugh

There’s a lightness in the air today. Inhibitions floating carefree on the breeze. Sunday softness. 

People are far more connected than we think. 

Balls of energy floating around in life lucky enough to bump into each other and trade offerings. It’s up to us what we do with that energy. That connection. We have the choice to make it whatever we want. 

Can we change others? 

No. 

But we do get to decide how we connect. How we respond. How we feel after. We get to decide whether we feel angry or sad or how much enjoyment we get out of it. How much fun we have. 

As I started my walk I heard laughter and happy yelling in the distance. As I heated the water I found a group of people taking a polar bear swim in the ocean (Is it called a polar bear swim in August??). They were splashing and diving, doing underwater handstands and calling out to each other in encouragement and support. It was 15 degrees out so the water must have been freezing, but they didn’t care. 

This group had made a commitment to each other. To themselves. To do something crazy. To have fun. To laugh and yell. To let their hearts be light and enjoy the moment. To live their best lives, together. May we all walk through each day with such courage and strength. May we all choose to meet each other in openness and vulnerability. What a beautiful thing it is to be so authentically ourselves. What an incredible thing it is to be free. 

DAY 2

Morning Rituals and Falling Free

I woke up with the world again. Not as early as yesterday, but it’s a Saturday so we’re all giving ourselves permission to move a little slower today.

A handful of people are out enjoying their morning ritual ~ jogging, walking the dog, decompressing on the balcony, soaking in the quiet solitude of their pristine ocean view. I like the idea of a morning ritual. Up until now mine has been sitting in the couch (In? On? No, ‘in’ is probably more accurate!) catching up on social media “news” before getting ready for work. It’s quiet and allows me to shut out the noise. Or at least that’s what I thought. But after just two days of walking through the city’s silence, I realize that I’ve been turning down the wrong sounds. All this time I’ve been muting myself. 

Walking stirs the soul. Like throwing the windows open after a long winter, letting the outside freshness break up the stagnant air inside. That’s where I’m hearing myself. My voice, my thoughts, my emotions ~  stirring up with the breeze. There’s some dust and a little dirt of course, but nothing too hard to clean. Just roll my sleeves up, get to work and face the day fresh, leaving ample space for the good to flow in. Walking and thinking. Walking and feeling. Walking and coffee. Walking and waking up. Walking and slowing down. 

Summer is slowing down too. Inviting Fall for a morning visit before it decides to properly settle in. This time of year has always made me a little melancholy, watching the colourful gardens wilt and dull, and the day turn to night far too soon for my liking. Today I felt the importance of the new season. There is beauty in the transformation. Nature isn’t dying ~ it’s shedding. Letting go of yesterday and making room for tomorrow. Beneath the surface the real work is happening.  Roots growing deeper and stronger, exploring new pathways to nourish fresh creations. Spring’s gardens will look different. Sure, there will be similarities, but they will smell and feel altered. A shift at their core. There will be no going back but why would you want to? 

Instead of summer sadness, I’m seeing that fall brings anticipation. Encouragement to imagine tomorrow and time to build dreams into reality. Fall is a crack of the garden gate ~ a peek into the future, stirring the thrill of excitement for what’s to come.

So I’ll keep walking. Showing up for myself. Shifting with the seasons. Sweeping up my fallen leaves. Soaking in the lessons of each step. Trusting and having faith in myself and the future. Because somehow, even when you walk in circles, you always end up exactly where you need to be 💫💗💫 

Day 1 - What the hell am I doing??